When You Need To Self Heal From The Affair Alone
By Kajay Williams
Often, when a couple makes it through the storm of an affair, they emerge a stronger and happier couple. An affair is the symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship and sometimes, when that problem is addressed – albeit through a painful affair – both individuals in the relationship will make an effort to work at any problems before letting them build up into something like an affair. Not all couples will be able to weather the storm, however, and there are a number of scenarios in which the betrayed spouse, the straying spouse or both will have to self heal from the affair alone, without the help of their partner.
When the affair simply means that the marriage is over
Occasionally, an affair is sometimes the final act of a dying marriage. It can simply be what one partner deems to be the only way out of a marriage that is already failing and unfortunately, in this scenario, no amount of “working through” will heal the marriage. When the trust is shattered by the affair, there seems to be no apparent way to fix it – and so the marriage comes to an end. In this situation, both partners have no apparent desire to try to work through the problems – it is “the last straw”.
When the straying spouse leaves the marriage for the affair partner
In this situation, the betrayed spouse doesn’t really have any say in the matter. They may want to try to work on the marriage and move past the affair, but the straying spouse instead chooses to use the affair as an excuse to leave the marriage and try to pursue a relationship with the affair partner. The straying spouse might claim that they have no intentions of pursuing a relationship with their lover and they may say that they “just need some space” or that they “need to clear their head”.
This can be especially devastating for the betrayed spouse as if their partner leaves early on in the aftermath of the affair – just a few weeks or a month after the discovery of the affair – it can mean that they have a huge number of questions that go unanswered. The straying spouse wants to “get on with their life” and even if the betrayed spouse manages to have a conversation with them, they may not get the answers that they desire.
A cheating, lying and deceitful spouse is hard enough to forgive, but if that person abandons their marriage and their spouse on top of the betrayal, it can be even more difficult for the betrayed spouse to come to terms with it. The betrayed spouse must heal alone – and in this situation especially, this will be a long and painful process.
However, in this situation, it’s worth remembering that a huge number of affairs fail. Only 3% of affairs will actually make it to a long-term marriage – and this is simply because an affair is borne out of lies and deception. Any relationship with a foundation of a broken down marriage or relationship that was built on deceiving others will have a tough time making the distance. In this case, if the betrayed spouse feels ready to forgive, they may simply want to wait for a while before making any decisions on the future of the relationship. Eventually, the straying spouse may well choose to come back to the marriage.
When the betrayed spouse leaves the marriage because of trust issues
It’s not unusual for a betrayed spouse to leave the marriage following the discovery of an affair because they are simply unable to trust their partner any more. The betrayed spouse feels as though they will never again know that their spouse is being honest with them – or that their spouse is staying faithful. They can be uncertain of the future and of everything that their spouse tells them – after all, they lied on numerous occasions before so how can they be trusted again?
For some betrayed spouses, this breach of trust can mean that they feel completely unable to stay in the marriage. No amount of talking through their problems and trying to regain intimacy will fix the problems in the relationship, as far as the betrayed spouse is concerned, and so they want out of the marriage.
In this situation, the betrayed spouse will have to heal alone, although this will be slightly less painful than the other scenarios mentioned as the betrayed spouse actually made the choice to leave the marriage – rather than be left by the straying spouse. In this situation, the straying spouse will also have to heal alone, as they may have wanted to work on the relationship and any problems within it and were instead left by their spouse.
When one partner gives up on the recovery process
The path to healing after the discovery of an affair is long and arduous and for some couples, it can feel insurmountable – and for one reason or another, one of the partners gives up on the recovery process. It can be incredibly tough to heal from an affair and to look inwardly towards your own problems, as well as the problems of your spouse and of your marriage.
This process of trying to work out the problems in your relationship as well as any problems that you might have – or that you might cause – can be so tough for some individuals that they give up on the recovery process and thus, they give up on the marriage. In this situation, both individuals will have to heal alone.
When the separation is temporary
Not all of the situations above have to be permanent situations. Sometimes, the relationship will end and one or both partners will need “space” in order to heal from the betrayal – but this does not mean that the relationship is over for good. Sometimes, the separation is only temporary and eventually, the couple will reconcile, move on from the affair and heal their marriage.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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