What Should You Not Do After the Discovery of Your Spouse’s Affair?
By Kajay Williams
Although there are a number of things you may want to do after discovering an affair, once you’ve learned about the behavior of your spouse it is important not to lose your head and to keep calm, cool and collected. Stay confident and you’ll be much more able to ride out the affair and make the first steps in repairing your relationship. Here’s what not to do after the discovery of an affair.
Show Your Spouse Your Best Side
No matter how upset or hurt you are by your spouse’s behavior and no matter how much you want to be cold, angry or aggressive towards them, hold it back. Show them your best side and make yourself someone that they want to spend time with. A strong, happy, confident individual is desirable – whereas a needy, clingy and pathetic individual is not desirable in the slightest. If you want to display your feelings towards your spouse, speak to them in a calm and controlled way in a relaxed environment. Behaving in this way not only makes you desirable, but in enables you to talk to your spouse in a controlled manner – which will make it much easier for you to open up communication between you both once more.
Don’t Repeat “I Love You”
Although you might want to tell your spouse that you love them again and again to let them know that you forgive them and that you want to get things back on track, try your hardest not to keep telling them that you love them. The more you say it, the needier and clingier you’ll seem. And your spouse’s behavior is not particularly lovable – they do not deserve you to tell them how much you love them until they’ve proven to you how sorry they are and how willing they are to get your relationship back on track.
Keep Yourself Busy
While it might be tempting to stay at home all the time to keep an eye on where your spouse is and what they are up to, it will only drive you mad. You also don’t need to stay at home all the time in order to reconcile – if you both stay in, you’ll have nothing to talk about. Instead, keep busy by getting out of the house to see your friends and family, or enjoy old hobbies. You might even want to pick up a few new hobbies – things like going to the gym, joining a reading group or joining a craft club will all get you out of the house and socializing with people other than your errant spouse.
Don’t Expect Your Spouse to Be 100% Committed to You Straight Away
Although your spouse may tell you that they are absolutely no longer in contact with the other man or other woman, or that they no longer have any contact with them, it’s highly unlikely that they have cut off all forms of contact with the other person and it is also highly unlikely that they are absolutely committed to you and your relationship. Remember that your spouse and the other person had a relationship and that it will take some time for that relationship to dissolve. This does not mean that your spouse doesn’t love you – it means that they are scared and guilty and willing to tell you anything that you want to hear to keep your relationship intact.
Learn to Listen
When your spouse has had an affair, it can be tempting to scream and shout and accuse. But your spouse had their affair for a reason. Remember that an affair is usually a symptom of a larger problem in a relationship – an affair doesn’t usually cause the only marital problems – and so when your spouse tells you about their feelings, as well as why they engaged in the affair, learn to listen to them. Understand what they have to say instead of shouting at them – listening to them will help you to become a stronger couple in the future.
You might want to cling to your spouse – but clinginess is absolutely not an attractive quality. Be independent from your spouse and remember that you are your own person in your own right. You are not just “he and she” – you are you. Don’t follow your spouse around the house, don’t phone them constantly to check up on them, don’t text them constantly, don’t give them gifts and don’t ask for reassurances. Instead, be independent – it will make you more confident, and it will enable you to cope more easily with the affair.
Take Care of Yourself
It can be incredibly difficult to look after yourself when you’ve discovered that your spouse has had an affair. You might want to retreat into yourself, but it’s important to take care of yourself at this time. Make sure you get enough sleep and make sure you’re eating the right foods to stay fit, strong, healthy and alert. And give yourself a bit of pampering too – maybe put in a visit to the hairdresser, get your nails done or spend a day at the spa. The better you feel in your own skin, the better you’ll feel when it comes to moving on from your spouse’s affair. And the better you feel in your own skin, the more confident you’ll be, too.
It can be really tempting to pick at everything your spouse says and to start arguments with them for the sake of making their life more difficult – but behaving in this way will just send your relationship spiraling backwards. Even when it comes to discussing the affair, try not to argue – instead, discuss. Discussion is completely different to arguing, as it allows both of you to talk about your feelings without the conversation descending into a full-blown fight. If you’ve got nothing nice or constructive to say, don’t say it – and if you don’t have anything at all to say, keep quiet.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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