What Is an Affair Fog?
By Kajay Williams
The “affair fog” is the term used to describe the emotions felt by the straying spouse – sometimes referred to as the “affair bubble”. The wayward spouse can feel almost euphoric when they first embark on an affair – those feelings of lust, danger, excitement and the endorphins released when they see their lover combine to create a “fog” of emotion, where the straying spouse views their affair as being more exciting and more important than anything else. The straying spouse may also believe that they are actually in love with the affair partner, and these feelings of love will inevitably lead to feelings of guilt, which is really where the affair fog starts.
The straying spouse’s affair fog
When the wayward spouse starts to have feelings of guilt, they will then try to justify the affair to themselves – and possibly to their spouse if they have suspicions – by rationalising that they are having an affair because their marriage is in trouble. The wayward spouse may tell themselves that the marriage is poor, that their relationship with their spouse has been broken down for a long time, that their affair partner is the only person that understands them – and this constant rationalisation and justification of their actions will start to validate their feelings. Eventually, they’ll believe what they are telling themselves.
The affair is “therapy”
Some wayward spouses will go as far as to believe that the affair is good for them. After all, they are happier now in the affair than when they were not – right? Surely if they are a happier person, that can’t be a bad thing for their spouse/marriage/children. Some spouses will also liken the affair to therapy – something that they need to do something for themselves in order to become a happier or more fulfilled person.
The affair is the most important thing to the straying spouse
Eventually, when the straying spouse is stuck in the affair fog, they cease to care about anything and everything apart from the affair. The affair becomes the most important thing in their life – and nothing, not even their marriage, spouse, children, parents, friends, job or hobbies will get in the way of that. The straying spouse’s lover starts to become their “safe place” – the only person that is important to them and the only person that understands them. They may believe that their lover has no flaws – and they will heavily compare their spouse to their affair partner.
Often, the straying spouse might be almost “addicted” to the affair and the affair partner – but they will stay in their marital home to enjoy all of the creature comforts that home brings.
How to tell if your spouse is in an affair fog
There are many, many signs that indicate that a spouse is stuck in an affair fog. Here are just a few of them.
– The straying spouse may describe a marriage that is completely alien to the betrayed spouse – they might tell them that the marriage has always been poor, that the marriage is terrible and that they have always been unhappy – which can be at a complete parallel as to what the betrayed spouse believes the marriage to be
– The straying spouse may try to blame the betrayed spouse for the problems in the marriage and if the betrayed spouse finds out about the affair, they may further try to blame them and they may use phrases like “You’re just pushing me closer to my lover”
– The straying spouse might tell the betrayed spouse that they love them, but they are not in love with them. They might also tell them that they love them and that they want to stay with them but that they don’t want to give up their lover
– The straying spouse might describe their lover to the betrayed spouse as their “soul-mate”
– The straying spouse might try to convince the betrayed spouse that nothing is going on and that they are just paranoid, insecure or jealous
Can we move on from the affair fog?
An affair fog can make the betrayed spouse feel just that – utterly betrayed. The person that they thought they loved is suddenly someone completely different and they may feel like their spouse is no longer the person that they married. But it’s important to keep a hold of what you know is the truth. If the straying spouse is spouting words that you know are not true and saying things about your marriage that you know have never happened – you can hold on to that. Pointing out to the straying spouse these inconsistencies in their story can help to show them that what they are saying is false.
Sometimes, some of the points that the straying spouse makes will be true – and although the betrayed spouse might not want to hear it, they may have played their part in the breakdown of the relationship. The betrayed spouse should listen to the points made by their spouse and look inwards at themselves to see whether they could have done anything differently.
If they could, they should tell their spouse that they are sorry for their actions. But they should always, always hold fast on what they know to be true and on what they know that they have not done wrong – the betrayed spouse should never bow to pressure from the straying spouse to take responsibility for the affair.
All too often, if a straying spouse is still deeply stuck in an affair fog, it can be very difficult to get through to them, and unfortunately sometimes all a betrayed spouse can do is wait for their partner to come out of the fog alone. If you keep working at your relationship with your spouse, despite their actions – and you work on yourself and your own faults, too, to make yourself the best person that you can be, eventually, your spouse could come out of the affair fog back to your relationship. And if not? You’ll know that you tried your hardest.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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