What Are the Stumbling Blocks to Ending the Affair?

06/17/2012

What Are the Stumbling Blocks to Ending the Affair?

By Kajay Williams

 

Following the discovery of an affair, the straying spouse is left with two clear choices; to heal their relationship with their spouse and leave the affair partner, or to end their relationship with their spouse and move forwards in a relationship with the affair partner.

More often than not, the choice between the spouse and the affair partner is more difficult than the straying spouse may choose to believe – and although they may think that they want to move forward in healing their relationship, they may find it more difficult than imagined to sever ties with their affair partner. Here are some common stumbling blocks to ending the affair.

Does my spouse want to take me back?

In most cases, an affair destroys the trust between a straying spouse and their spouse. The betrayed spouse wonders if they can ever trust their partner again and if there is any hope for the future.

Although the betrayed spouse may have every intention of working on the marriage and moving on, with time, the straying spouse may see this period of uncertainty as their spouse being unsure of their love, and as such, they may keep a hold of the affair partner so that they have an insurance policy.

However, if the straying spouse hangs onto their affair partner – even if it is by just keeping in touch via text message or email, the betrayed spouse will instinctively know that something is not quite right in the relationship, even if they don’t know that their spouse is still contact with the affair partner – and this in itself can put the marriage in jeopardy.

Letting the affair partner go completely will give the marriage the best chance of succeeding – but if the straying spouse holds onto the affair partner, regardless of their intentions for the marriage, it will inevitably crumble.

It’s not all my fault so why should I end it?

Sometimes, a straying spouse feels unable to take full responsibility for their actions – they don’t hold themselves responsible for potentially breaking down the marriage because they believe that some of the blame lies with their partner – they didn’t love them enough, they didn’t spend enough time with them, they didn’t treat them well enough, etc.

Because of this, the straying spouse may hold onto the affair partner as a way of getting back at their spouse. But the truth is, to repair a marriage after an affair, the straying spouse needs to not only accept full responsibility for the affair, but also to let go of the affair partner. The straying spouse had a number of options, aside from having the affair, to repair their marriage – they could have spoken to their spouse about the problems, insisted on marriage counseling, or if things were really bad, they could have filed divorce papers.

Instead, they chose to seek solace in the arms of someone else. The betrayed spouse didn’t do anything of the sort. They might have had the same doubts and they might have felt the same way as their partner about the marriage – but they didn’t cheat. And that means that they are not to blame for the problems caused by the affair. A straying spouse needs to realize that the blame lies at their door – and if they want to heal the marriage, they need to accept the blame and lose the affair partner in the process.

My marriage is boring – I want excitement in my life

An affair brings a number of exciting emotions and feelings – temptation, danger, illicit love – all emotions that are almost addictive in nature. Viewing your marriage through the fog of these new emotions can make it seem incredibly dull and boring. A long-term committed marriage brings with it its own perks – love, laughter, friendship, companionship and much more.

However, in most cases, a marriage does not bring emotions such as excitement or temptation, and this can make the straying spouse want to hang onto the affair partner so that they can continue to experience these emotions.

The truth is, if the straying spouse decides to continue on in a relationship with the affair partner, rather than the spouse, eventually the “danger” emotions will give way to the emotions associated with a long-term committed relationship – and this the cycle begins again.

It’s important to recognize the perks of a marriage and to recognize the cons of an affair – instead of always viewing the marriage as boring and the affair as exciting.

I don’t want to cut off all ties with my lover because I don’t want to hurt them

Some affairs start because the straying spouse wants to “save” their lover from a certain set of circumstances. Thus, they can have trouble letting go of the affair partner because they don’t want to hurt them. They believe that they are very important to the affair partner and because of this, they don’t want to let them go.

They might offer them reassurances that they will “always be there for them” and that they will “always be friends” – but reassurances such as these will only make the affair partner believe that their lover will eventually come back to them.

In reality, this will hurt the affair partner – because in the end, the straying spouse may well return to their spouse, and it will hurt the betrayed spouse, because their partner will still be in touch with their lover, which could feel like a fresh betrayal.

To heal a marriage following an affair, the straying spouse needs to give the marriage their all. They cannot have one foot in the marriage and one foot elsewhere in case the marriage doesn’t work out – for it to work, the spouse needs to wholly believe that they want the best from the marriage and that they want to do their best to fix any problems now and in the future.

If the straying spouse has someone waiting in the wings just in case, it will be impossible for the marriage to resolve itself – and chances are, the straying spouse will get stuck in a cycle of commitment, betrayal, commitment and betrayal.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?

Time To Act: There is hope.

An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.

Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.

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