Should You Tell Your Family About Your Spouse’s Affair?
By Kajay Williams
It can be very tempting to discuss your spouse’s affair with your family and friends – after all, an affair can devastate your relationship with the person closest to you, so it’s natural to want to seek support from elsewhere. Often, telling other people about your spouse’s affair can have a detrimental effect on any reconciliation.
Your friends and family will naturally want to stick up for you and they may well hold the affair against your spouse forever – which can make it very difficult for a reconciliation to work, especially if your family are totally against the idea. So should you tell your family, friends or children about the affair?
Generally speaking, you should tread very, very carefully when it comes to telling your family about your spouse’s affair – because it can be very difficult for them to come to terms with how your spouse betrayed you. Your family have your best interests at heart, and they will always stick up for you.
While this righteous support can feel good when you’ve only just found out about the affair, as time goes on and you start to come to terms with the affair and make the first steps towards reconciling with your spouse, it can be very difficult to hear phrases like “Once a cheater, always a cheater” and “People always disappoint you”.
While your family might think this type of support is helpful, it will just make it all the more difficult to stay with your spouse. It can also make it incredibly awkward in the future at family events, especially if your family have decided that they loathe your spouse.
If you want to tell your family about your spouse’s affair, you should always keep in mind how they will react. Their reaction, if it is negative, could have a huge impact on you and your spouse’s ability to stay together and move forward in your relationship. It may be more sensible to confide in one or two family members that you know will support you in whatever choices you make when it comes to your relationship.
You don’t have to tell everyone – after all, your relationship is private and what goes on in your relationship is private, so not everyone needs to know the gory details. But you should confide in someone that you trust, so that you can have a friendly ear to use as a sounding board if you want to talk things through.
Family – In Laws
If you are trying to reconcile, whether or not you tell your in laws about your spouse’s affair is really up to your spouse. You might want to tell your in laws in an effort to get them to guilt-trip your spouse into ending the affair – but in reality, this could have the opposite effect and could actually push your spouse and the “other person” closer together. Your spouse will feel that you’ve gone behind their back, even if you wanted to tell your in laws so that you could get their support.
Your spouse cheated – but in most cases, your in laws will want to support your spouse and the decisions that they make, no matter how close they are to you. If you tell your in laws about the affair, be prepared for them to think that you are being sneaky and that you are trying to go behind your spouse’s back. Equally, if your spouse chooses to tell them about the affair, be prepared for them to be non-judgmental and supportive of your spouse, rather than supportive of you.
It may be very helpful for you to confide in a friend about your spouse’s affair – but be sure to choose the right friend. As with family, some of your friends will be very judgmental about your spouse and your decision to reconcile, which can make it difficult for you all to spend time together, especially if you are all mutual friends.
If you want to confide in someone, make it a friend that is your friend, rather than a mutual friend – and ideally, make it a friend that rarely sees your spouse. That way, they can be more impartial and they can offer you advice without being overly judgmental towards your spouse. If you have a co-worker who you are close friends with, they might be just the right person to confide in.
Your children will know that there is something wrong in you and your spouse’s relationship, especially if they’ve heard you arguing, or if you have asked your spouse to leave. While they may blame you or your spouse for the problems in your relationship and the problems at home, the best way to approach this is to not attribute any blame to either person.
If you’ve asked your spouse to leave and your children are upset with you, you do not need to tell them about your spouse’s affair in an effort to explain your actions. Remember that your children are also your spouse’s children and no matter what happens, that will always be the case – it’s not worth destroying their feelings towards your spouse just to prove that it is their fault that you are having relationship problems.
When you do choose to confide in someone about the affair, you should always let them know what you need in terms of support – and you should also let them know when you need them to back off. If you want advice, let them know – and if you don’t want any advice and all you want is someone to talk through your feelings with, let them know!
Remember that every person needs support when they go through something upsetting or trying, so you should embrace the friends and family you have when you go through something like an affair, even if you don’t explicitly tell them about your spouse’s affair.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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