Save Your Marriage Today – There is Still Hope (Seriously)
It’s one thing to mend a marriage, and another thing entirely to fix a marriage when your spouse doesn’t seem to think that there’s anything actually wrong.
How do you go about fixing what one person doesn’t seem to think is broken?
It’s a tricky situation, and we all know that it’s impossible to get anything done without effort from both people in the marriage.
However, to a stubborn spouse who doesn’t see what the big deal is, it may seem like you’re imagining things, which only makes a bad situation much more frustrating.
Then, there is the situation where you both know there’s a problem in your marriage, but your spouse thinks they are not guilty of contributing to it!
Whether your spouse thinks that you’re exaggerating or that they are simply without fault, how do you get someone to understand that you both have things to work on if the marriage is going to survive and (better yet) thrive?
Well, my friend who created the Mend Your Marriage system has some brilliant thoughts on that kind of problem as well as other marital issues:
So, how do you get around this problem? How do you say, “No, really- it’s not me, it’s YOU” without putting your spouse on the defensive, but also without letting them off the hook?
Unsurprisingly, communication is a big part, as is understanding your spouse. Here are a couple of tried and true methods for helping your spouse to understand that a) yes, there is a problem, and b) YES, he is a part of it.
1. First, you have to attempt to have the conversation with your spouse.
You’re probably thinking, “Well, I’ve already DONE that. It didn’t work. After all, that’s why I’m reading this!”
The thing is, you may have tried to talk, but you may not have used the right strategy. That’s not an accusation against you, it’s just admitting that being able to handle this kind of delicate situation is not easy to do.
You may try again to talk to your spouse, this time while keeping the following things in mind:
-Make sure not to “pick a fight.”
In other words, avoid putting your spouse on the defensive or opening right up with an accusation. Your tone, which you might even be fully aware of, can be accusational, even if your actual words aren’t.
You have to avoid a fight if you want to get anywhere, because once it becomes an argument, your spouse will stop seeing your point of view completely and just try to “win” the fight.
It’s tempting to say things that start with “you always”, or “you never”. A lot of couples get caught in that trap. “Why do you always have to act that way?” “How come you never listen to me when I tell you how I feel?”
People very rarely (notice I didn’t say never”) do something all of the time or never do something any of the time. The reality is almost always somewhere in between.
If you exaggerate your point, your spouse will focus on the exaggeration and feel defensive, which will take their attention away from your actual point, which may have been completely valid.
-Take some of the blame.
Even if you have already accepted your part of the blame in the past, you will want to reiterate that you accept much of the blame when you are telling your spouse what he has been doing to contribute to the problem.
If all your spouse hears you say is “You’re doing this, you’re doing that,” with nothing about yourself, your spouse will start to think, “Wait a minute…so YOU’RE perfect?” It’ll keep your spouse from seeing your point of view and make them feel as if you think you’re not part of the problem at all.
Instead, try to balance it out. Whenever you say something needs to work on, balance it with something that you know YOU need to work on, as well. Or for a problem that is caused by both of you, make sure you say that you know you’re responsible for a specific part of it, too.
2. Be willing to compromise.
This goes perfectly with the last part of the first tip. Not only should you accept your part of the blame, but when it comes time to make a plan to fix the relationship or the specific problems (or both), you have to offer to do some things to change, also.
It could be that your responsibilities in the change are kind of small and even silly compared to your spouse’s. Maybe your spouse needs work on communicating with you, and their only big gripe with you is that you don’t do some silly thing around the house, like hang your towels up.
In that case, just play along and show your spouse that you’re taking it seriously. No matter how small and seemingly unimportant your steps to help out are, it will show your spouse that you’re not expecting them to leave their comfort zone while you stay in yours.
It’ll also give you some leverage for later on, when you can say, “You asked me to do this or that, and I did. Why haven’t you held up your end of the bargain?”
It’s tricky to get a spouse who seems stubborn about change and improving the relationship to contribute to mending the marriage. However, it has to be done to fix the problems you have, and it’s not as hard as you’d think as long as you approach the situation in the right way.
If it’s the other way around, and you’re the stubborn one, Mend Your Marriage also has tips for helping to see what you can do to fix a relationship that perhaps you didn’t know had the problems that it has developed.
CLICK on the link below to learn more.