How to Help the Betrayed Spouse Heal From the Affair
By Kajay Williams
The betrayed spouse can find it incredibly difficult to get over the affair, even if both parties are willing and ready to work on their relationship. They often feel that their spouse is completely unaware of what they have done to the relationship – and the betraying spouse can often feel impatient that their partner hasn’t forgiven them yet.
This attitude can really damage a relationship, and the preoccupation that a betraying spouse can have with their own feelings, rather than their spouses can make it much more difficult for the wronged spouse to heal. There are a number of things that the straying spouse can do to help the betrayed spouse to heal from the affair, and some of them are outlined below.
The betraying spouse should be patient
The unfaithful spouse often feels like they are ready to move on from the affair much earlier than the wronged spouse. When the betrayer is “finished” with the affair and when they have told their spouse about the affair, they often want to stop talking about it – to move forward, get over it and put it all behind them.
Oftentimes, the betrayed spouse wants to talk about the affair and the events leading up to the affair – and they might even want to talk about it over and over in order to get things straight in their mind. The betraying spouse can get very impatient with their spouse – but in order to help the betrayed spouse heal, the straying spouse must stay patient.
If their partner wants to revisit what caused the affair over and over until they feel like they can move on, the straying spouse must help them through it. Patience is key in healing from a betrayal, and in order to move on, the betrayed spouse must know that their partner is with them all the way.
The straying spouse should help their partner work through their emotions
For a wronged spouse to move on from an affair, they need to know that their spouse is behind them and that they will help them to work through any emotions that they might be experiencing. A straying spouse should hold their partner when they cry – and they should hold off on trying to initiate sex until their partner is absolutely ready to move on.
A straying spouse should also validate their partner’s emotions – and they should never, ever make their partner feel like they should “hurry up and move on”. If the betrayed spouse feels like they need space alone to work through their emotions, or even if they just want to vent their frustrations towards their spouse, the straying spouse needs to let them do so.
Although the straying spouse might be sick to death of going through the same cycle of emotions with their partner over and over again, in order to help their partner heal, they need to understand that these emotions are necessary for working towards the path of acceptance and in turn, a happy and healthy marriage. One of the major benefits of approaching the healing process in this way is that it can allow the betrayed spouse to view their partner as a sensitive, listening soul, rather than solely as a cheater.
The unfaithful spouse should feel truly sorry for their actions
This is probably one of the most important steps in the process of healing. For a wronged spouse to heal, they need to know that the straying spouse is truly sorry for their actions – but they also need to know that their spouse is truly sorry not only for their actions, but also for the hurt that they’ve caused their partner.
A straying spouse should feel sorrier for the hurt that they’ve caused their partner, rather than sorry for themselves. A straying spouse that wallows in guilt will be virtually unforgivable, as they are paying too much attention to their own needs rather than their spouse’s needs.
The betrayed spouse needs to know how sorry their spouse is for their actions and for causing them to feel so miserable – and if they don’t know this, they will find it very, very difficult to heal after the affair.
The straying spouse should always take full accountability for their actions
A very important step in healing after an affair is for the straying spouse to actually admit to and take accountability for what they did wrong. Statements such as “I wouldn’t have done it if you had been home more” or “I only did it because you weren’t doing x for me” will cause feelings of deep resentment in the betrayed spouse.
To heal, the betrayed spouse needs to know that the straying spouse takes full responsibility for what they’ve done – and they also need to know that the straying spouse does not blame them in any way for their own actions.
A betrayed spouse might feel their own guilt for the affair – simply because they might feel as though their own actions were partly to blame – but a straying spouse that is determined to help their betrayed spouse heal from the affair will make absolutely sure that their partner knows that the affair was not their fault, and that they take full responsibility for what happened.
The straying spouse will try their hardest to rebuild the relationship
The most important step in healing after an affair is to rebuild the relationship. In order to heal the relationship, both spouses need to reconnect with each other – and to do this, the straying spouse needs to first cut off all contact with their lover, and then try to reconnect with their spouse on an emotional level.
If both partners can learn to talk again and to connect simply through conversations, they will find the path to healing their marriage much easier to follow. It’s important for the straying spouse to connect with their partner as a person with thoughts and feelings, rather than a sexual object, so that the betrayed spouse can start to feel valued as a person again.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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