How To Have Sex With Your Spouse After The Affair
By Kajay Williams
One of the most troublesome things to deal with when reconciling after an affair is how to have sex with your spouse. Sex is one of the most intimate things about a relationship, and it’s likely that your spouse broke your relationship rules by having sex with someone else.
The image of your spouse with someone else in such an intimate way can play on your mind over and over, making it difficult for you to even contemplate being with your partner in that way. But there is a way through it – you have to work at it slowly and gently until both you and your spouse feel ready to continue your relationship as before.
Here are a few tips to help you and your spouse get back on track after an affair.
A key tip to help get your relationship back on track is to refer to sex as making love, rather than just sex. Sex is what your spouse did with the “other person”. Making love is a different thing altogether – it’s more intimate, loving, sensual and it’s what happens between a husband and wife, rather than a husband and his lover or a wife and her lover. Taking the time to make love and to take care of each other will help you to reconnect as a couple, emotionally, physically and sexually.
When you do try to make love, keep the light on. To start with, you might be afraid to make love with the light on because you may be afraid of what your spouse thinks about the way you look – you could have insecurities about yourself following the affair.
Keeping the light on means that you can connect as a couple – and it will also help to get rid of those insecurities about yourself as you can know that it is you that your spouse wants to make love to and it is you that your spouse knows they are making love to.
Some spouses that have been cheated on report feeling hurt or rejected if their spouse wants to make love in the dark, because they feel like their spouse wants to imagine that they are making love to someone else. Keep the light on to bring the spark back into your marriage.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to have sex straight away after an affair. Reconciling and then trying to jump straight back into your previous love life can be extremely difficult, and it can be very difficult to put aside those issues that you may have about yourself and your spouse in order to have sex.
Putting that pressure on yourself can also make sex painful and uncomfortable if you try to do it before you are ready. Make sure you are totally prepared and ready for the experience, and you’ll find it easier and more enjoyable.
Another tip is to clear your mind of any images you may have of your spouse and the “other person”. You might imagine them in bed together or sharing intimate moments together, and playing these images over and over in your head will just make you hurt – and it will make it that much more difficult to want to have sex with your spouse, let alone to actually do it. Whatever you do, don’t try to recreate what your spouse did with the other person.
You might think to yourself, “But he did it with her in the back of a car”, but that does not mean that you have to do that too. Your spouse will love you for you – and although you might think that you need to inject excitement into your sex life by mixing things up, your spouse will more than likely just want to spend comfortable, intimate time with you. Different sex might just remind them of their affair, and this is something that they also will want to do their best to forget.
Be as open and honest as you possibly can about how you’re feeling about sex. Don’t assume that your spouse feels a certain way – talk to them about it and see how they feel, and share how you feel. You both might feel differently about sex and when you should start again, so it’s important to share these feelings. Being open and honest is key to getting your entire relationship back on track, not just your sex life – so make it a habit.
Getting your confidence back after an affair is also key enjoying a great love life. If you’re not confident in yourself, as well as what you are doing, you’ll find it difficult to enjoy sex. The more confident you are, the sexier you feel and the more able you’ll feel to get intimately involved with your spouse again.
Working on your own confidence will also ensure that you are more confident in other areas of your relationship, for example, your self-esteem, independence, anxiety levels and stress levels will all improve the more confident you are.
Sensitivity whilst actually making love is also super important after an affair. Sensitivity in the physical sense, as in going slowly, and making love rather than having sex, but also in the emotional sense. The spouse that has been cheated on probably needs positive and emotional sensitivity when making love, too – lots of gentle words, such as “I love you” and “You’re beautiful”, as well as phrases that let the partner know that they are loved, adored and appreciated. If both spouses feel an emotional connection to each other during sex, it will be much more enjoyable.
The most important thing to remember when you start trying to have sex again after an affair is to keep in mind that you are doing it to reconnect as a couple. Don’t compare yourself to the other person and don’t torture yourself with images of your spouse and them. Instead, view sex as an enjoyable experience that will help you to reconnect and learn to love each other once again, and ultimately, that will help you to become a stronger couple in the future.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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