How to End an Extra Marital Affair
By Kajay Williams
An affair can happen very quickly. One moment, you’re just friends, and the next, you’re involved in a full-blown secret affair. To fully repair your relationship with your spouse – or to let your lover repair their relationship with their spouse, you need to end the affair. This can be difficult, as an affair can involve some intense emotions, needs and wants. But you can do it – here’s how.
Think About the Cons
When having an affair, it can be easy to get caught up in the romanticism of it. Affairs illicit very strong and intense emotions, as they are clearly tied to feelings of lust – which can make you lose your head and forget the logical reasons as to why you should end the affair.
It can be easy to forget all of the bad points of an affair – having to hide what you’re doing, lying to your spouse, feeling guilty for not spending more time with your lover – not to mention having to cancel plans with friends or family in order to spend time with your lover, or hearing from your friends and family that you’ve “been acting differently” lately.
When you want to end an affair, list all of the cons of that relationship. If you like, list them alongside the pros, too – but you’ll clearly see that the list of cons is much longer than the list of pros.
Recognize that You are Following a Pattern – and Stop it
Affairs tend to follow patterns. It starts off with feelings of infatuation and early love and could deepen into something more, which could lead to one or both of the parties involved in the affair to withdraw from the relationship and lose interest. This can then lead to longing to reconnect and restart the affair to experience those feelings of infatuation and early love once more – which starts the cycle again. If you recognize that you are just following a pattern, you can much more easily stop that pattern and break the cycle.
Think About Why You Are Having the Affair
You obviously decided to get involved in an affair for a reason – people do not have affairs with the sole intent of ruining their relationship. But what is it that is keeping you in your affair? Is it that your lover makes you feel more confident? Do they make you feel young again? Do you feel like you can be yourself around them?
Working out why you are involved in the affair will help you to realize why it started in the first place – and it will also help you to realize what is missing from your primary relationship. When you understand this, you can start to recover from the affair – as you now know what it is that is needed to help get your primary relationship back on track.
Go Cold Turkey
When it actually comes to breaking off the affair, one of the most important things you need to do to end it – and end it properly – is to go cold turkey on your relationship. That means no staying in contact as “just friends”, no phone calls, texts or emails. All of this communication will just make your lover think that you might change your mind – and it will also be hurtful to your spouse if they discover that you are still in contact with your lover.
Be Short and Sharp
When you actually end the affair, whether you choose to do it face to face, via a letter or even via an email, you need to be short, sharp and to the point. If you express feelings of love or use phrases like “I wish it didn’t have to be this way”, your lover will only think that there may be a chance of reconciliation.
A great way to make sure that you actually end the affair is to tell a friend that you trust about your plan. If you continue with the affair and your friend constantly asks you whether you’ve ended it yet or not, you’ll eventually get a little tired of having to explain why you haven’t. Just be sure to choose a friend that you trust not to tell your spouse about the affair, especially if you haven’t decided how or when you’re going to tell your spouse about the affair.
Get Answers to Your “What Ifs?”
You’ll have plenty of what if scenarios after ending an affair – what if I run into them at the supermarket? What if they call me? What if they miss me? What if I miss them? Work out what to do in every single one of these scenarios, and then, you can tackle them with a level head if and when these scenarios occur. If you don’t think about what’s going to happen before it happens, chances are, you’ll be much more tempted to treat your ex-lover like they are still your lover – so plan ahead.
When you’ve finished the affair, it’s best to start afresh – that means, get rid of everything in your life that reminds you of your lover. Delete emails and texts that you might have shared and delete their phone number. If there are any photos of the two of you, get rid of them – and if there are any mementos of your time together, such as cinema ticket stubs or receipts for hotel stays, bin them. Doing this will help to not only rid them from your life physically, but it will also help to rid them from your life emotionally.
Starting afresh could also mean overhauling your life – for example, if you’ve always wanted to cut your hair short, but you were keeping it long for your lover, now is the time to chop it off. If you’ve always wanted to take an Italian class or learn how to cook, now is most definitely the time to do it. Starting afresh will show you that you can have a fun, interesting and fulfilling life – without your lover.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?
Time To Act: There is hope.
An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.
Whether you suspect your partner or spouse is cheating on you or whether you have just discovered your spouse’s affair or whether you are wondering if you want to save your marriage or opt for separation after an affair or whether you want to redefine the boundaries of your relationship or marriage to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, I can help you.
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